Oh snap, a word that makes “appropriate” people squeamish. But since I’m all but positive no “appropriate” people read this blog, let’s get to it.

Pussy.

Say it out loud. Pussy. Pussy, pussy pussy pussy pussy.

“I hate that word” someone recently told me. It almost feels like you shouldn’t say it. Or maybe you were raised a little more liberal in your vocabulary, but I was raised religious so saying pussy out loud was a struggle for me.

While we’re at it, say Cunt. I used to hate the word “cunt” until I watched Trevor Noah’s Son of Patricia and heard him talk about his views on the n-word and it changed my feelings about the word “cunt”. I started to use it more and more, first to de-sensitize myself to it, then to de-weaponize it. A word only has as much power over you as you let it. Now I love the word”cunt”, although I recognize it has a harsh ring to it. In her book Pussy: A Reclamation, Regina Thomashauer breaks down the etymology of “cunt”: “The word cuneiform, which is the most ancient form of writing, derives from kunta – which translates to “female genitalia” in ancient Sumerian. Kunta also means “woman” in several Near Eastern and African languages, and its alternate spelling, quna, is the root of the word queen. Kunta is also the root of kundalini, which means “life force”.” (26) That’s pretty fucking cool and it’s bullshit that it’s become a swear word.

Anyways, back to Pussy.

I was gifted the book Pussy: A Reclamation by my incredible friend Kade, and it’s been, well, life-changing. It isn’t just the book itself though, it’s how my body is responding to it.

I was on my way to a wedding last month and I was reading this book. Thomashauer was encouraging discourse with pussy. I should probably mention that the premise of the book is that our vulvas hold the key to our power as women. In fact, Regina says that they are our connection to the divine force of life; pussy is, basically a portal to the divine; “when a woman turns on her pussy, she’s actually turning on her life force and connecting to her divinity” (intro).

That might seem a bit far fetched. It seemed that way to me at first, but I figured, it doesn’t hurt to entertain the idea. So (as the book recommends) I put my attention on the space between my legs and waited.

I don’t know if you’ve ever thought about your vulva, but when you do, it kind of turns on. Not so much sexually, but almost like it perks up and takes notice of you (which if you read Thomashauer’s book she will tell you that Pussy loves attention). So this happened and I thought, Ok pussy, what do you have to say.

And I kid you not, she said: “It’s going to get wild”.

I hate to admit it, but my first thought was sexual – even though my intuition knew that sex was not what pussy was talking about. I think the reason my thoughts first went to sex is that we have been conditioned to view our vulva’s from a purely sexual lens. More than that, we have been conditioned to view women who are open about their sexuality as “slutty” and we have been conditioned to view our vulvas as “unclean” or “taboo”. Thomashauer notes, “We have regulated pussy to the profane and the pornographic. Today we don’t know the connection between pussy and healing. In our world pussies are considered a receptacle, objectified for the use and service of men. This is the equivalent of using the holy grail to piss in.” (58)

“So what lens should we view a pussy from?” you might ask. Thomashauer posits “a spiritual one”.

Did you know that in ancient times women used to flash their vulvas to the crop fields because they believed that they held the power of life? I mean, that’s pretty badass and I’m legit going to bring back pussy flashing (something I almost regret telling everyone at that wedding). But this story illustrates a time in history when vulvas were revered as powerful, life creating, and valuable outside of sex. They were looked upon as something sacred; “The body of a woman is the sacred vessel through which life gets created. It is a living, breathing alter…It is a meeting place between the earthly and the divine.” (66)

To view your vulva from a spiritual perspective is to believe in your body’s ability to translate truth, guide you through life, interpret sensations in a way that aligns with your highest good, and make your dreams a reality. When Pussy said, “It’s going to get wild” what she referred to was a sensual unearthing. This is not just about sex. I realized that the more I tap into my body, the more aware I am that I tolerate things that do not feel good to me. For example; how many times have I had sex because I wanted to please myself vs. how many times have I had sex because I thought I had to please my partner? I started to take note of all the times I bypass the wisdom of my body, how many times I ignore its cues during the day, or how often I force it to work when it is asking for rest.

When you begin to see how often you bypass messages from your body, you won’t be able to unsee it. Each time you don’t listen when your body is talking, you will know that you are not listening, and you will see that you are going against your own innate knowing. You will know that you are numbing. Maybe it is possible to re-numb, but why would you want to? To do so would be to willingly and knowingly go against your own healing. So if you’re not going back that means you have to start saying “No” to people.

It means saying no to your kids when they’re crawling on you and your body wants space.

It means saying no when your husband wants to have sex and your body is not into it.

It means saying no to being around people who drain your energy and whose company you don’t enjoy.

It means saying no to food and drinks that make you feel like shit afterward.

It means you should speak up when your voice rises in your throat, instead of swallowing it back down to seem more palpable.

It means saying no to complacency and inertia.

Not just sometimes, but all the time.

The realization was a bit frightening if I’m being honest, but what really scared me was that I would also have to communicate what I DID want. Saying “no” is step one in vulnerability, the next step is communicating your needs.

Being honest about what you want and don’t want is wild when you are accustomed to people pleasing. Demanding respect for your boundaries feels like selfishness when you are not used to voicing them. Living an embodied and empowered life is wild because so many women do not live that way and our social conditioning tells us that it is selfish to do so. To take ownership of your desires and pleasure, to be confident and unapologetic about your needs and boundaries, and to tune into your body and start making decisions based on what feels right inside of you instead of numbing so that you can play “nice” in our relationships and communities, (and being “nice” doesn’t really mean nice. It means self-abandoning in order to appease someone else. It means not appearing like a bitch by being honest) IS wild. That’s a wild fucking woman.

Thomashauer expands: “What feeds the holy in a woman? Pleasure, in all forms. Serving her five senses with delight and beauty…When she gives her body delicious attention – like warm baths, with rose petals, by candlelight – she enlivens her own sense of holiness. When she makes delicious healthy foods, served with care and loveliness, she is feeding the sacred fire inside her. When she dresses herself carefully and beautifully, she nurtures the best parts of herself. The more she bows to her own alter, the more glorious, powerful, and confident she feels, and the more generous she becomes with others.” (67) What Thomashauer is referencing here is radical self-care; ensuring that our needs are met, that our desires are honored, and that we put as much effort into our relationship with ourselves as we do our relationships with others. She also notes that “Exquisite self-care is the easiest thing to toss aside when the mundane aspects of daily life take over. The world is designed to take the wind out of a woman’s sails. To fill her with fear about all the ways she is inadequate” (68). This can be seen blatantly in the beauty industry that constantly tells us that we are not enough, that we need to preserve our youth for as long as possible as to remain valuable (I could, and likely will write a blog on our societal obsession with youth/the maiden and our wild fear of aging/the crone), because if our system can keep women insecure and feeling inadequate, we are easier to control and manipulate. As women “we’ve been held hostage by a patriarchal culture that devalues turn-on and uses women’s erotic brilliance in service to the masculine” (19), which is not what our bodies are meant for. Our bodies are not meant to serve masculine energy, but to work with it as vessels of creativity.

So I guess what I’m saying is, talk to your pussy. You might read Thomashauer’s book. Tap into your lady parts and start paying attention to what your body wants; listen to what your bones are telling you. Cause if you do that, shit is going to get wild. Wild and good.

Pussy. Pussy.