Longing is one of the most essential pieces of a love story. When you stop longing for each other, you fall out of love.

When my husband and I first started dating, I went to Italy and Greece to study art for 8 weeks. I’d been in long-distance relationships before, but nothing I had previously experienced could contend with the longing I endured those 2 months. I yearned for him, to be near him. It was almost a physical pain, that yearning. I woke up every morning at 5 am so that we could talk for an hour. I drug myself around classical ruins and world-renowned museums, contemplating the soul-aching connection between love and art, history and longing.

I missed him. I cried often. I contended with the piercing internal aloneness I was feeling. I struggled to focus, consumed with wondering where the next wifi signal would be so that I could text him. You’re probably thinking, “What the fuck Sasha! You were in the Mediterranean studying art. Forget the man back home for a minute and bask in the glory of this experience!” And now I would probably say the same thing to that version of myself, but new love is wild.

7 years, a wedding, 2 babies, starting businesses, a big move, and many fights, compromises, and hard life lessons later, I remember in my bones what it means to miss him. I remember that pungent heartache of longing to be with him. I remember when he picked me up from the airport, that moment he put his arms around me, I felt like I was home.

Longing for someone looks different once you’ve been married for a while. You have to create the distance that longing requires because it doesn’t come organically anymore. Staying in love now looks like spending time apart; booking that girl’s weekend, prioritizing your career, or staying at home while they go out and binge-watching Bridgerton (A perfect Shondaland example of longing in action).

The point is, you need to miss them. And they need to miss you because you cannot long for someone you never get the opportunity to miss, and desire craves mystery. For love to have longevity, it requires longing.

Author and world-renown couple’s therapist Esther Perel said, “Erotic intelligence is about creating distance, then bringing that space to life.” We need distance in our relationships so that we can be excited to come back together, shake ourselves out of the complacency of everyday living with our partners, and crave newness in our relationship.

I’m still new to this marriage gig. In the grand scheme of a lifelong partnership, 5 years is but a speck in the vast expanse of learning how to create a life story. But if I have one snippet of wisdom to give you about staying in love it’s to make sure you give them opportunities to miss you.