I am taking a break from social media. It’s been a long time coming. I started to feel the first pangs of burnout around this time last year, and although I knew that I needed to tune out from the world and put my efforts and energy into myself I didn’t. Because I was scared.

Scared of what? You might ask.

I’ve been on this photography journey for less than 2 years, and I’ve been pursuing it as a business venture for maybe a year and a half. Most of my inquiries comes through Instagram, and taking a prolonged break feels like the beginning of the end of my newly budding career. That may not be the truth, but it is a fear. And a valid one if you are familiar with the fickle algorithm and how it takes very little absence for your social media clout to suffer.

Another aspect is that social media helped keep me sane throughout the pandemic. It fostered friendships when I felt I had none, helped build connections with other creatives in my field, and became a source of support and encouragement for my work. But once you start to get external validation for what you do as a creative, It’s easy to start relying on it as a signal that you are on the right track, instead of trusting your own intuition and creating from a place of pure joy and deep personal taste.

So I kept postponing my exodus from Instagram (because it is primarily Instagram that I struggle with) for a year. A whole year. Even though my intuition had been telling me I needed to take breaks. Even when my body told me that the amount of time and energy I put into Instagram was not sustainable, or healthy. Even when it felt like at times I was sacrificing my authenticity to continue showing up on that app like I was.

Then this month I just, stopped caring. I guess I’d reached my give a fucks limit. But I also fully realized how my continued resistance to listen to my own intuition was causing a decline in my spiritual awareness and personal growth. You see, creative ventures – for me – are intimately linked with spirituality. Art is a sacred space. The sacred cannot be courted by surface presentation or hustle tactics. The spiritual is a slow and sensual process that requires self-reflection, honest evaluation, practice, and time. In order for me to show up authentically on my social media, my website, and my blog posts, I have to use the majority of my energy to study, research, practice, create, and sit with nature as my master instructor. I have to soak in the quiet. I need negative space. And I need to NOT flood my brain with everyone else’s images (even though I love supporting other artists and will continue to do so more sustainably for my own constitution) because it makes it harder for me to generate my own unique artistry. The more you consume, the more you replicate.

When I do allow myself to pop on to Instagram to check messages, I don’t notice a significant change in anything, other than my following has dropped. For a moment I feel a little bit panicked as that old fear that not showing up on that platform will destroy my budding career. All of my revelations and personal musings mean nothing to anyone but me unless I’m exploiting them online to gain recognition. Maybe that’s a bit of a harsh judgment, but when I write in-depth posts that get very little resonance, it does feel like I’m throwing pearls to swine. Maybe I’m approaching social media the wrong way; that’s one of the reasons I’ve withdrawn, to gain more clarity.

Not everyone’s intuition will tell them they need to disconnect from social media. Maybe social media was never a problem for you and it doesn’t distract you from your life. This is only my truth here, and I make no claim that it’s widely applicable. My truth is that I need negative space. Alot of it. Full days don’t make me feel charged or good about myself, they leave me depleted, depressed, and strung out, which in turn affects my ability to be patient with my kids. You might be thinking, “Ok Sasha well you have to live in the real world. Most people aren’t afforded much negative space” and you wouldn’t be wrong. But just because we are accustomed and conditioned to function within our hustle culture doesn’t mean it’s healthy, and your ability to maintain energy within it is not an indication that I am lacking because I don’t.

I want to thrive honoring my own constitution and what feels right and true for me and I believe we are entering a time of pivotal shifts in consciousness that will allow us to do that.

I could be wrong. I hope I’m not.

I am only a couple of weeks into withdrawing my energy from social media, refocusing it on myself, my family, and creating art without the obligation of promoting it. And here is what I’m learning:

Doing what feels right in your bones will not gain you followers. In fact, you will probably lose them, by the bucketful. You will get very little praise or validation for listening to your gut. Most people won’t understand it, and won’t want to. It’s amazing how many people tap that follow button, not because they truly resonate with your work, but because you seemed popular for a minute, or because you looked good on the surface. There is no shame in that, we all do that, but then why do we lament those losses? Because although a number may not make us good at what we do, if we’re honest, it does make us feel like we are.

The more I disconnect from what distracts me, the more aware I am of the depth I’ve been using it to numb my feelings, and how terrifying it feels to face them. I begin to hear the voice of silence and its profound wisdom. My nervous system is starting to settle, unagitated by constant scrolling. My mind gets quieter and I start to notice when it races instead of just accepting a racing mind as part of living in the modern world. I get more done around the house and I begin to realize that I have more time in the day than I thought. I have more time to self-reflect and generate creative ideas, and I have more energy to put them into action. When I upload images into lightroom and begin editing and watching the magic of my creations unfold, I’m not thinking about posting them, or how others will receive them, only basking in my own peculiar tastes. And it’s lovely.

But I have a long way to go. I realize that I am living in a day and age where social media plays a role in our endeavors. I don’t hate it. I actually like social media and think it is a beautiful tool for connection. But checking it 50 times a day (even if just for a second), is not healthy. Feeling like we need to post every small aspect of our lives or “show up” online, is not healthy. The only place you need to show up is at the door of your own soul.